Finding Unconditional Love
This was a blog post written by yours truly back in 2016. Some of this still resonates and some … well I have grown a ton. But I would hate to edit it out as this was the experience of a 25 year old. Thank you for being here and thank you for allowing me to continue to share my vulnerability.
Back in December 2015 I was struggling with finding the power to unconditionally love myself. I was unable to believe I was good enough for someone else to love. I was going through this moment of crisis while house sitting a farm. Let’s make a note that I had never been on a real farm before. There was a cow, a pig, 3 sheep, 100 chickens, 2 cats, and 2 dogs. It was also a farm that was completely covered with snow. Therefore, I was also dealing anxiety about winter driving conditions.
Yes, I live in Canada and NO I do not like snow!
Needless to say I was in over my head taking care of an array of animals while trying to also salvage what I had left of my own self love.
Jumping into Relationship: Don’t Do It
A lot happened to me over the last year and a half when it came to relationships. I used to be someone who would only get into a relationship if my instincts said it had to happen. However, I found myself letting men decide how the relationship was going to go. I also was letting men make me second guess my value as an eligible relationship partner.
I was finding that I started to question the way I am perceived by men. One starts to wonder thoughts such as:
“Am I good enough?”
“Why aren’t they falling for me?”
“Am I not as great as I have been told I am?”
“What is wrong with me?”
It is interesting because I have begun to recognize a pattern now. If I know a man is more into me than I am into him then my confidence remains. However, if I am into a man but I have no idea how he feels about me then I become a space case. I cannot think clearly. I make up irrational negative situations. Also, I find myself going through the struggle of not being able to speak my truth. All of this because there is a lack of communication between two people about feelings.
The Moment on the Farm
So one night while I was on this farm, I was completely falling apart at the seams. In order to counteract the self-doubt spiral I was stuck in, I decided to take matters into my own hands and make the anxiety STOP.
And the moment I had just created for myself by stepping away from the confounds of our fabricated world of technology, was a moment I will never forget for the rest of my life.
It was 9:00pm on a very cold winter evening. I was lying in bed and I could not get my brain to turn off. I was hating everything about myself and it was mentally painful. In frustration, I threw my phone on the bed and just went outside into the darkness. If I was going to create such a dark space in my mind I might as well get outside and experience it fully.
In order to escape the anxiety and tears that were provoked by unreplied text messages, Facebook reminders, Snapchat stories and Instagram quotes I needed to leave it all behind. I did not bring anything outside with me except for my gloves, a toque, the largest sweater I could find, oversized boots and snow pants. I stumbled outside and walked towards the large field where everywhere I looked there was untouched snow. The canvas was blank and I had the power to make my own mark.
I walked right into the middle and lied down in the field and stared up at the stars.
It was a clear night. The moon was huge and the stars were shining bright. Staring up at the sky, tears instantly started rolling down my face. I could finally breathe and have some clarity within the darkness that was my mind. I looked up at the stars and it all just came to me that there is so much more to my life than just one person’s option of me. The unconditional love I was looking for from external sources was not working. I was looking in all of the wrong areas to feel accepted and loved. And that moment out on the field was something I had created for myself. I took control by stepping away from the confounds of our fabricated world of technology. This was a moment I was never going to forget for the rest of my life.
Then Enters Snow Ball
I was lying there in the middle of the field, snow-angeled deep in the snow. Out of nowhere Snow Ball, the beautiful 10 month old cow was in front of me. I thought she was sleeping with all of the other animals but she must have heard me come out and decided to join. She came up slowly and cautiously. If cows could talk she probably would have said:
“Stupid human, what the hell are you doing out here lying in the snow by yourself in the middle of the night?”.
But since cows can’t talk (I wish they could) she just stared at me. I put my hand out to her and she came a little closer. I started crying again because at this moment I knew she could feel my pain and struggle.
No words were necessary, all I needed was someone to be there. I sat up in my snow pile and Snowball leaned down and rested her nose on my head. We sat in the snow for half an hour. After watching her play in the snow, I found the mental strength to stand up. I realized I needed to move forward and work on loving myself. I also discovered a new found love for cows.
The Power of Animals
Animals are instinctual creatures and I wholeheartedly believe animals are capable of recognizing emotions in humans. When we take a step into nature it is amazing the interactions you have with other living things. The moment I had with Snowball was one that could not be documented. I did not get it on Snapchat, I did not film it with my phone, and I did not make a post about it on Facebook. The night we shared in that cold December winter night is one that we will only have between each other. It may not have meant anything to Snowball but the connection and unconditional love I received from her… it meant the world.