Romantic Relationship Checklist
This was a blog post written by yours truly back in 2016. Some of this still resonates and some … well I have grown a ton. But I would hate to edit it out as this was the experience of a 25 year old. Thank you for being here and thank you for allowing me to continue to share my vulnerability.
In my lifetime I have been in three serious romantic relationships. However, they all ended with me losing my true self in order to be the person my partner wanted me to be. After 5 years of being consistently in one relationship after another I decided to do some reflection on what went wrong.
I was trying to figure this out whilst in the middle of the whole dating scene and I started noticing some patterns. Even after a few dates with a man I could feel myself slipping away in order to be the person they expected me to be. In a time of crisis I reached out to a good girlfriend who is always able to give it to me straight.
…The Moment of Realization
It was a Tuesday afternoon and I sat down to lunch with my good girlfriend at Momo Sushi restaurant in the downtown core of Kelowna, BC. At this point I was dealing with a battle between my external world and internal world. Do I change myself to be the ideal girl a man wants to be with? OR do I hold on to every last bit of myself and risk losing someone? I brought this up to my friend Jessica and she told it to me straight. She bluntly told me that romantic relationships are far from romantic. They are not fairy tales and there is no such thing as prince charming. Romantic relationships take work, compromise, and an establishment of boundaries.
The butterflies always go away and you will start to see that no one is perfect. This is because we are all on our own journey and go through our own struggles and moments of personal growth. Eventually two people who decide to come together must be willing to work to be in a relationship to make it grow. All of these things are the opposite of how I viewed love and relationships in the past.
Tinder has taught us that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that we can have our choosing of which men we want to have sex with, be friends with, or establish a romantic relationship with.
Unfortunately, I am a girl who grew up listening to Taylor Swift, watching The OC, reading Cosmopolitan Magazine, and escaping into every romance novel available so my version of true love is full of flaws.
Lists Save Lives
This amazing friend of mine told me that in order to not lose myself again… I needed to create yet another important list describing what I want/need in a romantic relationship and to hold to these expectations. If a partner is unable to meet these expectations then I need to seriously question whether it is really the relationship I want to be in. This lunch was not the most heartwarming of lunches that I have been on. However, it was exactly what I needed to snap out of my fairytale fantasy.
After our lunch, where I felt only more lost than before, I sat down on a park bench and began to write and came up with ten non-negotiables I needed to make for myself.
Ten Things I Need in a Romantic Relationship:
I want to feel like I can communicate my emotions and thoughts openly. I do not want to fear feeling like my words lack value.
I want my romantic relationship to feel like a partnership/team. A partnership where we never put each other down or point out our weaknesses. Rather we always have each other’s backs and pick each other up when we fall.
I want a romantic relationship that when there is a fight, which is inevitable. I want to be able to keep that fight between us and not share it amongst friends.
I want to have a relationship filled with passion.
I want a romantic relationship in which myself and my partner live our lives separately and together. We must stay accountable to our exercise schedules, work, and sleep).
I want a romantic relationship in which we let each other know when we feel positive feelings towards each other. For example: if my partner looks extremely handsome I will let him know.
I want to feel valued and important within the romantic relationship.
I want a romantic relationship where the little things continue to matter because that is what makes the relationship unique.
I want a romantic relationship filled with adventure.
I want to be in a romantic relationship where we are both a part of each other’s families.
The Teachings of Tinder
Tinder has taught us that there are plenty of fish in the sea. It has also taught me that we have a choice. We can choose which men we want to have sex with, be friends with, or establish a romantic relationship with. However, because there is so much choice it is extremely difficult to even know what it is exactly you are looking for. So we must ask ourselves “what do I actually want to catch in this large ocean?”
For any young adult bombarded by the new technological world of dating… I recommend you sit and write out your non-negotiables. Stay strong to who you are and do not lose yourself. Let the list you have created guide you in the direction your fairytale driven heart is unable to take you.