Change With a Side of Relentless Fear
This was a blog post written by yours truly back in 2016. Some of this still resonates and some … well I have grown a ton. But I would hate to edit it out as this was the experience of a 25 year old. Thank you for being here and thank you for allowing me to continue to share my vulnerability.
Did I Make A Mistake?
I moved away from a city I used to love. It was a city that I experienced a lot of growth, pain, and heartache. However, it also provided me with a very strong community, a social network that never allowed me to feel alone, and a foundation to grow my business.
The issue is I started to feel like I was no longer connecting with myself. I was so focused on making sure everyone else was okay, supported, and encouraged that I neglected my own health both mental, spiritual, and physical. I started to sacrifice my time to take care of myself in order to take care of others. I began to ignore the overtiredness, the sleepless nights, and groggy mornings and just fuelled my fire with others’ energy…and a whole lot of coffee.
New City New Feels
So now here I am, in a city called Peachland – only 25 minutes away from the city I used to call home…but it feels like miles. When I drive into Kelowna it doesn’t feel like home anymore, all of my old patterns are broken, and I feel that it was as if I never lived there. This invisible sense of belonging was so powerful…yet not tangible whatsoever. It an is with effort that I must reach out to see those who lift me up and I find myself lacking that effort.
And then comes a breakdown…
There is only so much alone time one can handle. But I know it was the right decision. I needed to make space in my life in order to allow new energy to come in, new inspiration, new focus. My past is coming back to show me how much I have grown, how far I have come, but also how far I still need to go.
I speak about self care, self-love, and self acceptance all the time and how its key for you to do but I tend to forget to do that for myself. There are old wounds deep within that I wish to heal so that I can allow love to come in. Being alone has shown me that I was looking for love and admiration externally and in all the wrong places. At the end of each day all I needed to do was show love to myself.
Self Care is Key
I don’t remember the last time I took a moment to take care of my mental health. So that is where I am beginning. I’ve worked so hard on the spiritual side and even the physical side…but have neglected to deal with the emotional wounds that continue to linger and come up when faced with being alone.
I just recently got a beautiful pup and the love is unconditional. There are moments when my heart opens up and the flood gates of love just shine right through…but then there are times when I still find myself close up. The first day he came home… I didn’t even remember what love felt like. I don’t have to fear he will leave… he is mine until death do us part. The first time in my life I don’t have to fear that unknown.
I haven’t written in a long time because well – some things are just too hard to actually face.
Content
I now live on the lake I love, I have a beautiful puppy, and I am supported by amazing humans every day but for some reason, my mental state still finds a way to choose to see darkness when there is so much light. Currently, I am taking the steps to work on this starting NOW. Through the struggle comes personal growth and right now I am at the brink of another breakthrough…i can feel it.
xoxo
Just another Millennial on the search for a happy, healthy, and sustainable lifestyle ♥ (Written in 2016 by a younger version of myself)