Why Must We Stop Fearing The Plan?!

This was a blog post written by yours truly back in 2016. Some of this still resonates and some … well I have grown a ton. But I would hate to edit it out as this was the experience of a 25 year old. Thank you for being here and thank you for allowing me to continue to share my vulnerability.

I continuously keep running into this scenario. People are wanting to make their way into your life but they are scared to commit to actually being a part of it. Whether it is planning to go to an event, planning for a trip, planning a lifestyle change, or planning a date – the fear is always there. Sometimes the fear comes from me and sometimes it comes from others but it is ALWAYS there.

This is Me

Of course, as this single young adult female running around aimlessly in the dating field it has become more evident than ever. See, myself personally, I am a planner. I always have been. And I always will be and I have come to realize I will never change that part of me. This is because I have always been rewarded by making a plan.

When I planned 6 months in advance to do a solo trip to Thailand – it awoke my soul and changed my life forever. When I planned to go try a new hair salon- I met someone I can now call a friend. When I planned to hire a personal trainer – I gained an unimaginable amount of strength I didn’t know I had. When I continuously plan my life – it never goes as planned but holy crap it has constantly lead me to have amazing opportunities and experiences.

Why do we refuse to plan?

So I constantly am struggling with this planning thing in regards to dating. In order to go on a date – you have to make a plan. But god forbid one tries to initiate a date and then on top of that make plans for more than 48 hours in advance! Why as a woman am I constantly expected to put my life on pause in order to be available for a man’s schedule? I understand that patience is a virtue but why be forced to wait for when they are ready to spend time with me? Why do I have to reshuffle my schedule or make a personal sacrifice to fit them in when they are not willing to do the same?

Personally, I think the fact that the man wants to be in control of the planning is due to fear. Fear that if a woman starts to make the plans the power in the new relationship has shifted. Is this a masculine issue – I am not sure. It seems that dating is a balance of power and no one wants to make themselves vulnerable. The one waiting on the other end for the person to make the plans is at the most vulnerable state there is. It is a place filled with fear and insecurity wondering whether they are good enough. Whether we will qualify for date #2. And the worst fear of all being completely ghosted. Oh, the places our vulnerable mental space will go. It is scary and not a place any person, man or woman, wants to be.

The fearful questions

Rather than dating to meet new people it has become a qualification test. I pass the test if I am stand-offish and make the man call the shots. The problem with this is I am not staying true to my authentic self. When this happens the relationship so fizzles out because I am not ready to make those sacrifices. This brings fear – will I ever be willing to make these sacrifices for a man? Also, will I ever find a man that is as adaptable to my schedule as I am to his? So many questions and so little answers. I don’t know if there ever is a mutual space for two young adults to find balance and not make each other wait. Or maybe that is what an adult relationship is like… and maybe I just have not been lucky enough to experience that yet.

The Anxiety of Waiting

There is a lot of anxiety within me when I am found waiting for someone else. This anxiety is because I am ultimately waiting for someone else to decide the path in which my life is going to take. I am definitely hyper-aware of this anxiety when I find myself waiting within a romantic relationship. Therefore what helps with all this anxiety is planning. I am not saying that I need to plan everything to a tee but I do respect tentative certainty.

I acknowledge that planning is scary for people so giving them time and space and not pushing plans is key. However, I refuse to wait. If I ever find myself putting my life on hold then, unfortunately, those ties will be cut. There is a point where this girl will stop waiting because life is short. There is no way I want to miss out on new experiences because I am waiting for someone else to decide whether or not I get to experience them.

Here it is…

So here is my message to all those out there who are scared to make plans. If you don’t, you will let amazing people, opportunities, and experiences slip away. You will miss out on some astounding and life changing moments because you were fearful of committing. You will miss out on feeling wanted. You will miss out on feeling loved. And you will miss out on your life.

LET IT GO

Embrace and let go of the fear of planning and the games you play with others. The games are not benefitting anyone and in a world already filled with anxiety and fear – PLAN! Plan to spread love and openness because at the end of the day that is all we need.

Sincerely,
Just another Millennial on the search for a happy, healthy, and sustainable lifestyle ♥