Waiting, Wishing, Hoping

This was a blog post written by yours truly back in 2016. Some of this still resonates and some … well I have grown a ton. But I would hate to edit it out as this was the experience of a 25 year old. Thank you for being here and thank you for allowing me to continue to share my vulnerability.

Keyword: Wait; Waiting; to Wait

I never realized how much I could hate a word until this week. Waiting implies patience and patience is something I have been trying to practice for 6 months but it always gets the best of me. Overtime, I tend to reach a critical point during this waiting period where I lie on my kitchen floor. I lie there and break out into tears because I am so fed up of waiting. Then I notice how dirty my floor is and get my ass up and clean to make me feel better.

I do not like when I feel I have no control of the outcomes in my life. Sometimes it feels like I am doing everything in my power to have control. I read self empowering books. Always consciously practice gratitude. Ready and open to meeting new people and I seek new opportunities everywhere I go. But yet I still find myself waiting.

I am currently at a point in my life where I am continuously waiting. Constantly find myself waiting for a sign from the universe to tell me what direction I need to take my life. I am waiting for the boy at the other end of a text message to text me back. Waiting for a reply from a potential employer about the outcome of a job interview. I still am waiting.

Wait, Wait, Wait- Potential New Rihanna Song?

I have lived a life where it has always been fast paced. I knew exactly where I was going and I had known exactly what I want out of my life. However, right now that is not the case. I got back from my trip and thought I was going to go back to school for Holistic Nutrition. Unfortunately my finances were not as in order as I would have liked them to be. So to be able to afford school, rent, food and work having just one job was not an option. Therefore, I had to postpone going to school, which broke my heart and also meant tearing up the original plan.

The blessing of working multiple jobs is that I was never waiting. I was never “waiting” for a job interview response because I knew I would be safe regardless. I always added on employment opportunity to increase my financial security.

…However, I always hit burn out.

I stopped growing in the jobs that I was working at and I came to a place in my life where I decided that if I wasn’t going to continue school well I needed to learn some other way. So when I made the conscious decision to work only one job after a hectic summer of balancing two full time jobs, there was a sense of relief. However, I forgot that I was about to be putting myself through self-inflicted torture. I applied for jobs a solid week and went on a few interviews but there was this consistent fear of rejection. I kept finding in interviews that I was undervaluing all the great things that make me Me; Instead I was trying to be someone I thought they wanted rather than just be myself.

Waiting For The Results of an Interview

The “Waiting Game” tortured me for the first time when I was waiting to hear back from my first successful interview. I had never gone through this before and it was absolute treachery. I was first to send a “Thank You” email to my interviewer and then got a response two days later saying he would reach out in a week. A week came… went… and nothing. I decided to send one more follow-up email and another week went by…and nothing. I waited and waited and waited and nothing. There was so much faith placed on the outcome of this one job that I crashed hard when it was taken away from me without even an email to provide closure.

That Waiting… I mean Dating Game

The irony of this waiting game strongly correlates with dating. How do you cope when someone tells you that they care about you and never want you to leave and tells you to wait? I am at the point like that where I was with my job interview… Does one wait patiently for when someone else is ready or does one walk away? If I learned anything from being mislead by the almost guaranteed job that did not turn out – I am supposed to walk away and let other opportunities knock on my door. However, I am not sure if I am willing to let this person walk away as easily as I let go of the job position. It is funny. Life works in such mysterious ways. One life dilemma can teach you many ways on how to cope with other aspects of your life.

I am working on embracing these waiting games as opportunities to practice patience and personal development. Using these times to reflect on my emotions and really listen to my heart. However, this is easier said than done. It is driving me insane. I do not know how all of us can survive doing this patience thing for the rest of our lives.

In this past year… I have learned that life is a waiting game. We never know what the outcome is going to be and we cannot rush into or plan the moments that change the course of our lives forever. We all move at our own pace and it is with patience that I feel you find the answers you are looking for.

Wishing Waiting and Hoping

I am Wishing, Waiting, and Hoping that everything will be okay. Just like in My Best Friends Wedding. If I were to choose a theme song for August … this would be it. All I can do is take a deep inhale and a leap of faith. Because as I have been told my some very important people in my life… everything is going to and always will be okay.

Sincerely,
Just another Millennial on the search for a happy, healthy, and sustainable lifestyle ♥ (Written in 2016 by a younger version of myself)